


The Truth

by w0lfpire



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Depressed Katsuki Yuuri, Lots of Angst, M/M, Major Illness, everyone loves Yuuri, viktor is trying his best
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-19
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-16 02:43:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11244693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/w0lfpire/pseuds/w0lfpire
Summary: No one ever bothered to ask Yuuri why he wanted to retire so badly... Sometimes you're forced to quit things you love doing.Everyone has a secret.And Yuuri is no different.





	1. I'm Sorry.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Originally I have this story in chapters, but it simply didn't feel right to me. This writing will be in sections, or arcs if that's a better way to describe it. Please pay attention to the cuts in between the writing, which contains a title for the part you're reading. Also look for a name next to those titles, as you'll know who's point of view you're reading or if it's Third Person.  
> I'll be working on the next section and have it out as soon as I can.  
> Enjoy!

The Beginning.

Lies.

 

* * *

 

Moving to St. Petersburg, Russia was a risk. A huge risk. He was unfamiliar with the place, other than the one time he visited Viktor so they could go house hunting. Leaving his family once again to live hundreds of miles away, and not knowing how people would except him in the foreign country.

But he was content, because Viktor was there. Viktor Nikiforov. His fiancé. His husband-to-be. The thought of it still leaving him breathless in the pure unreality and bliss the title gave him. And he’s sure many felt the same way, considering even he didn’t know his meaning when giving the Russian man a 24k gold ring and Viktor simply announced it as an engagement ring the day before the Grand Prix Final merely a year ago.

Ah, that’s right… It’s been a year already.

They were already practicing for the next one.

“Yuuri! ~”

Yuuri shook from his daze and turned his head to the platinum haired man calling his. Viktor’s hair is technically gray, however a miss labelling of his fiancé’s precious hair and an argument later now makes him state otherwise.

Viktor skated towards him with a wide grin, “Did you see it?” His eyes glistened for a second. “My free skate is practically in top shape already. ~”

“Is that so…” He flushed as Viktor tilts his head, pouting his lip.

“Yuuri, you didn’t watch me? What’s wrong? You’re normally always watching…”

“I’m sorry Viktor, I was caught in my thoughts.”

“What were you thinking about, поросенок?”

“Mm… the move… us in general.”

“Ah~ Not having second thoughts, are we? ~”

“Not yet.”

Viktor pouts, “My fiancé is so mean. ~”

Yuuri chuckles a bit, and then just a little more when Yurio continued to fake gag at the two of them, earning a chuckle from Viktor as well.

“By the way Yuuri, can we have Katsudon tonight?”

Yuuri rolled his eyes a bit, “No, we’re not having it again tonight. I’m going to end up earning back all my weight by the end of the week.”

Viktor sulks a bit and mumbles, “Cute piggy Yuuri…”

“Keep talking~”

He halts and immediately skates, leaving Yuuri with a wide grin.

Yes, everything was now perfect. He was happy. He fell in love.

He was happy.

 

* * *

 

 

Cunning.

 

He was happy.

He had just won silver in Helsinki, Finland. Viktor in gold, and Yurio in bronze.

They were flying to Tokyo, Japan for the next competition in the World Championships.

“Yuuri?”

Yuuri looked up at Viktor from his lap after his fiancé tried getting his attention for the 5th time.

“Are you alright, поросенок?” Viktor asked. Yuuri simply nodded his head, and looked back down, glancing beside him at the open email on his phone. It was that time of year again… The same anxiety filling him as each previous one.

“Oi, Katsudon.” Yuuri turned his head around to Yurio, who was sitting behind him.

“Yes, Yurio?”

“Stop sulking,”

“I’m not sulking,”

“You look like you’re sulking,” Yuuri smiled slightly, he knew this was Yurio’s way of caring.

“I’m fine, just worn out,”

Viktor still had his eyes on him from behind his bangs, an uneasy feeling forming in the pit of his stomach.

Soon enough, they arrived in Tokyo. Exhaustion was taking on everyone, but to everyone’s suspicion, Yuuri was perfectly fine; even stating that he was going to go run for a couple hours, completely disregarding his talk of being ‘worn out’ on the plane.

It was odd, Viktor thought. Maybe it was anxiety for the next competition? Maybe he rested when no one saw? No one knew. But they trusted Yuuri to tell them anything. But they also knew Yuuri can be rather quiet about his emotions. Yuuri doubts himself too much, especially during competitions, so maybe it’s just that?

No one knew.

And no one dared questioned him when he came back with a bandage around his elbow.

He said he bumped it, and the paper bag in his hand was just ointment.

And they believe him. Cause Yuuri was kind enough to tell the truth.

Although Viktor found it odd still. Yuuri refused to let him massage him, even though it was a nightly tradition of theirs, often leading to things much more exciting. He even changed in the bathroom! Yuuri was never that shy of nudity before…

Had he done something…?

Viktor watched the closed door, the sound of running water coming behind it. Then he let his eyes glaze over to the paper bag sitting on Yuuri’s suitcase.

It was plain. No writing, no sticker, no directions.

Nothing.

Suspicious.

His eyes flicked back to the door as it opened, smiling brightly as Yuuri walked to the bed in only Viktor’s large sweater. It was winter there in Japan, hitting just below zero. Viktor immediately snuggled and held Yuuri when he came into the covers, inhaling Yuuri’s fresh, sweet smell. Not to masculine, but not too feminine. It was simply… Yuuri. It smelt like home.

There was no smell of any medical cream on him, in fact, it almost smelt like… Dior? Nor Yuuri or himself wore that…

“Where were you really?” Viktor suddenly blurted out, taking both himself and Yuuri by surprise.

“What…?” Yuuri questioned, his voice sounding quiet.

“Nothing, never mind… Go to sleep поросенок, we have a big day tomorrow,”

“Mm… Goodnight, Viktor…”

 

 ...

 

 

Yuuri didn’t sleep. He couldn’t. The guilt was filling him. The tension in his stomach made him feel sick all night and all morning.

Neither Viktor or Yuuri really spoke to each other, gaining the attention of everyone around them. Mila and even Yurio questioned them, but neither of them responded. Viktor was thinking of god knows what, and Yuuri was simply trying to stop himself from going into a panic attack from thinking too hard of what Viktor could be thinking.

It was frightening. They always talked, but after Viktor’s question last night, it just… caught him off guard. He knows Viktor cares, but he just doesn’t know what to say?

What can he say?

What can he do?

It can’t change anything at all.

No matter how much Yuuri would beg to cure it all, it just simply not possible. They don’t know how.

They continued the silent treatment through practice, through preparing, and through costume change.

Everyone noticed something was off.

Yuuri wasn’t competing as well. He was breathing heavily, and often left with the paper bag, then returning acting as if nothing was wrong. Viktor became heavily concerned with Yuuri. Talking with him did nothing, as Yuuri simply would brush him off with ‘It’s nothing,’ or ‘I’ll do good,’.

 

Viktor was first. He scored 103.98.

Yuri scored 99.63.

Phichit, 96.79.

Chris, 100. 53.

Otabek, 98. 45.

 

Yuuri moved to the center of the ice, his costume a stunning sleek black with an Ombre of crystals trailing from his collar bone to the v of his pelvis, various colors reflecting in the bright lights. They were almost too bright for him. The ice was already for too blurry, making the light practically blinding.

Yuuri moved almost lazily with the music, Viktor noted. He wasn’t as graceful as originally was. Sweat was already forming on his forehead, and his stamina was shockingly low. But to the crowd, he was fantastic, nothing was wrong. They didn’t know him like they did.

Yuuri wasn’t Yuuri.

Viktor snapped out of his thoughts as the room busted into a round of applause and cheers, almost shocking him. He walked Yuuri in the center, he was standing frozen, starring up into the ceiling.

He smiled and opened his arms, about to call for Yuuri.

But that gentle call, turn to a scream of horror, as Yuuri dropped to the hard ice.

 

* * *

 

 

Don’t Worry. // Yuuri //

 

My head was ringing. I could still hear the screams.

Why was there screaming? Had something happened?

“Yuuri? Yuuri? Yuuri!” Mother…? Why are you yelling?

What’s wrong? I’m fine.

I’m fine.

I’m…

Fine?

 

 

I was met with blindness was my eyes opened, large bright lights were hovering above me. I slowly move my head, meeting with a sharp but barrable pain.

Ah, there he is.

Viktor was sleeping in the chair beside me, his head rested next to my arm in the bed. I slowly reach and poke his hair line, smiling softly. He shifts slightly, but doesn’t wake, and I prefer it that way. I don’t want to say anything. Because there’s nothing. Nothing is wrong with me.

I didn’t stretch well, that’s all. I didn’t drink enough water. I’ll be more careful next time. I won’t make anyone worry.

“Yuuri?” Shit.

“Yeah?”

“How long have you been awake?”

“Not long,”

“You didn’t wake me?” I shook my head. Viktor sighs and sits up, his back cracking from the discomfort of the hospital chair. I look over his features, catching sight of the redness in his eyes and nose.

He had been crying,

“Why?” He looked at me questioningly. “Why were you crying?”

He furrowed his brows. Angrily? Why was he upset?

“‘Why were you crying? ‘,” He repeated, his tone firm. “You collapsed on ice, on live television, right in front of me. My own fiancé collapsed in front of me. And you’re asking why I’m upset? Yuuri, what has gotten into you?” Frustration and concern was thick through his voice, which gained a thicker accent.

That always happened when he was agitated.

“Nothing is wrong with me, nothing at all, I’m not sick,”

“I didn’t say anything about you being sick,”

Oh.

He watched be firmly.

“Are you sick?”

“No,”

“You sure?”

Hesitance.

“Yes,”

“Are you lying?”

Hesitance. Again.

“No,”

He paused. He’s watching for a mistake, he’s good at that. He leans forward, his nose nearly touching my own.

“Are you sure you’re sure you’re not?”

I snort, and he grins.

“Yes, I’m sure I’m sure I’m not,”

“Okie dokie! ~” He smiled and leans brushing his nose over mine softly. “You did worry me though… Everyone was screaming… I was even screaming…”

“Was my mom here…?”

“Hm? Yes, she was here with Yuuko and Mari a couple hours after you were sent here,”

“Where am I exactly?”

“Some hospital in Tokyo,” I rolled my eyes.

“Well that narrows it down,” I state sarcastically, earning a small chuckle from Viktor. I sigh softly and close my eyes, silence taking over us. A nice, calm silence.

Before the door open, revealing a distressed kitten.

“Katsudon,”

“Son,”

“Don’t call me your fucking son,”

“Um, language?”

“Right, sorry,” Yurio takes a deep breath, “Please don’t call me your fucking son.”

“Well calling you my fucking son is kind of gross, so I don’t do that anyway,” I hear Viktor snort beside me as Yurio sneers at me. I giggle a bit and wave my had. “I’m teasing, how are you?”

“How am I?” He repeats. Why are these Russians like this? “You’re the one that’s in the hospital bed, what’s up with you?”

“That’s what I said!” Viktor butts in. I groan when a sharp pain hits the side of my skull. Stupid headache. “Yuuri, do you need anything? Nurse, food?”

“Water,” Viktor nods and rushes out the door. I rub my eyes and look around with my blurred vision.

“What was that email?” I freeze and snap my gaze to Yuri.

“What email?”

“On the plane,”

He was getting straight to the point. Kids are just getting smart these days…

“It’s just blood checking,” I say. “I’ve had bad vitamin deficiencies since I was little, and it’s time for my yearly checkup,”

“Oh, I thought it was something else… My bad,” He sits back in the chair and kicks his feet on the bed. I swallow.

“What did you think it was?”

“Something Xia, I don’t know,” He shrugs and starts looking through his phone. I stare at him for a bit.

_‘What if he’s lying about- ‘_

“I’m back, моя любовь!” Viktor walks through the door, cold water in his hands. “The doctor will be with you in a couple minutes.”

“Who’s my doctor?”

“Dr. Hashimoto,” I freeze for a split second.

“Oh! Do you think you could get me a Anpan? They’re good for the stomach,” I say. Viktor thinks for a moment before smiling and nodding.

“Of course! There’s a market down the street!” He beams while putting down the water, kissing my forehead. “Let’s go together Yurio~”

“Why do I have to go?” He glares at Viktor but gives me a look.

Ah. So, he does know something.

Yurio sighs as he gets dragged by Viktor, saying goodbye. I smile and wave.

Resting my head back, I look to the ceiling.

Why must this all be so hard?”

A knock and an enter, I look up.

“We need to talk about your situation, Mr. Katsuki,”

I nod, “So what medications do I need- “

“I’m requesting you to retire.”

 

 

 

“Excuse me?”

 

* * *

 

 

Worry. // Yuuri //

 

“You sure you’ll be ok while I’m gone?”

“I’ll be fine, Viktor,”

A whole month had passed, and I was back in Russia.

Unfortunately, due to my injury, I was removed from the competition. Viktor and Yurio were still in, now heading to the final match in London.

And unfortunately, I was not allowed to go with them. I’m on ‘house arrest’ as Viktor calls it.

I managed to convince Dr. Hashimoto not to talk of my situation, and had him state to Viktor that I had a concussion, in need of desperate bed rest. Which according to Viktor, means I needed to go home. I wasn’t mad at the thought at going home actually.

I was tired.

I didn’t feel like skating anymore.

“Call me if you need anything, alright? The neighbor will be willing to help with anything as well-“

“I’ll be fine Viktor. Don’t worry so much! You have to focus on the tournament,” I smile up at him. He always had a worried or troubled expression on now… I don’t like it… Why is he upset?

Viktor leaned down to me, kissing my forehead.

“Be safe, поросенок… I’ll be just a phone call way…” I hum a bit and stand on my toes when he pulls away, pecking his lips. He chuckles a bit, leaning back down to grant me a proper kiss.

We stay like this for a while. Kisses and simply holding each other… It would be a week before I see him again… before I have him in my arms again.

Anything could happen during that time… He could get hurt. He could fall out of love… Anything could happen to Viktor.

But I’ll be fine. Nothing to worry about.

He soon pulls away and gives me a pouty look.

“I don’t want to go…” I roll my eyes and giggle.

“I’ll promise you a massage when you get back~” An instant grin was brought to his features, along with our final goodbyes and the quiet click of the front door shutting. I sigh softly, watching the car drive away from the curb. My legs moved me to bedroom with Makkachin accompanying me.

The mattress sunk slightly as I collapsed onto it, curling into a small ball. Makkachin laid down at the edge of the bed.

Silence filled the large apartment again.

It was always like this.

With Viktor gone, everything was black and white again.

When he’s here, the colors of life return to me.

And I don’t know how to feel of it… Especially now…

It’s an odd feeling. His smile is so toxic, but I can’t stay away even if I wanted too. I don’t want to bother him, or anyone for that matter. I can get through all of this… All on my own…

Just like I always have.

I let my eyes close softly. I never really thought of how exhausted I truly was.

Now that I think of it… I don’t think I’ve really slept at all recently.

 

 ...

 

They say blue helps calm the soul.

Is that why hospitals have it everywhere?

I found it to be quite a depressing color.

There are people who tend to think of hospitals as a sacred place. A place of health, and good spirits.

But those are the people was a simple cold, or had a bad fall and needed a clean-up.

They weren’t sick.

They didn’t have their fiancé and friends surrounding them, all staring at him with wide, shocked eyes. Some even having tears streaming down their faces.

I did it. I hurt them.

“I’m sorry I lied to all of you,” I smiled bitterly.

“I sorry that I said I’m ok.” _I’m disgusting._

“Yuuri- “

“I’m sick.” _Why me?_

“Yuuri- “

“It’s getting worse,” _Can I leave now?_

“Yuuri-!”

“I can’t skate by your side anymore,” _I’m not worth the worry._

“WAKE UP!”

 

 

My eyes shot open and I looked up. Viktor looking down at me worriedly.

“моя любовь… What’s wrong? You have tears on your cheeks…”

“Eh?” I reached up and felt my cheeks.

Oh. So, it was a dream.

“Did you watch the competition?”

I look over the tv, it was still on, but now to the weather.

“I must have fallen asleep…”

“And for a long while too, Makkachin looked as if he was going to have an accident when I came through the door,”

“I’m sorry…”

“Don’t be, you needed to rest,”

“Sorry…”

Viktor watched me. His eyes looking over me, all over me. Why? What are you looking for?

What do I need to fix?

“Yuuri, are you sure you’re ok?”

“Huh? I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?” He sighs a bit and kneels on the ground into front of me, meeting eye to eye with me on the couch.

“Yuuri, how can you not see it? How can you not feel it?”

“Feel what?”

“When was the last time you looked in the mirror?”

“Well yesterday of course- “

“I don’t mean considering the mirror for two seconds at your teeth, I mean really look at yourself,”

“…Then I don’t know…” Viktor stared at me for a while, so I kept my gaze to the ground. I don’t like this. Viktor is always happy and cheery, looking beyond what I can imagine. I felt him gently pick me up, gaining my attention again. Looking up at his expression, I found it interesting. Even though I wasn’t quite a fan of it, it was different; He looked stressed, it’s odd considering he’s a ‘emotionless when angry’ type of a person. He only really let negative emotions show when something really bothered him.

I was bothering him.

My feet touched the cold tiles under me, sending a shiver up my spine. I looked up at Viktor but he had his gaze looking forward. Following his gaze, I looked forward.

Oh.

Oh.

So that’s what he’s talking about.

I knew I was paler than most, but I was in competition with Viktor now. My clothes, which I could confirm were for sure mine, were struggling to stick to my body. Muscle was slowly disappearing, revealing only a thin about of muscle protecting my bones from being exposed. Looking over my features, I noticed dark circles beginning to form around me eyes, my cheeks hollowing, and my hair become uncontrollable, as the length showed untamed grooming.

“Yuuri.” Viktor wasn’t behind me anymore, I could hear him from the bedroom.

No, no, no, no…

He can’t know…

 “Yes?” I walk quickly to the bedroom, seeing him lying flat on the bed.

“We’re going to talk about this. моя любовь, I’d give up my forever just to make sure you’re fine. So, I’m going to stay here until you get better,” He looked up and hold out his arms, immediately having me moved to him, pulling me in like a magnet. He held me tightly, but full of warmth. “You can tell me anything… I know all of this has made you upset, but it’s no reason to let yourself suffer. We can get through this together. There’s always next year.”

He thinks it’s my anxiety.

“Ok… I’ll give it my best… I’m sorry for worrying you…”

Yeah…

“I will always worry about you, Yuuri…”

…Let’s go with that.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Stage One. // Yuuri //

 

“We’ve know each other for so long now,”

“Hm?”

“I can hardly remember not knowing you… It’s hard remembering the days before you. I don’t even know if there were any,”

“Oh, you’re reading. I thought you were actually being romantic.”

“I’m trying my best here,”

I smile at Viktor, chuckling at his pouting. _Snow Falling on Cedars by David Guterson_ the book read.

Things were better, much better. With the help of Viktor, I could gain weight again, and in a healthy way too! Although, getting on the ice was a struggle for me… Walking in general lately has been, well, interesting to say the least. I don’t really talk about it aloud, as to not worry Viktor or any of the others. I know what’s happening.

I just don’t want to think about it.

“Hey Viktor?”

“What is it, Yuuri?”

“Can we go out today? I’ve been inside for too long…”

Viktor watched me for a while, most likely thinking about the idea.

He’s been doing this for a while you see. Watching me. He’s worried, I know, even though I tell him not to. But Viktor is Viktor. He’s stubborn in the best way.

“I suppose we can… but go dress warmly. It’s colder than usual outside today,”

“Can I bring my skates?”

He was silent again. Watching.

“Of course,”

A wide smile creeped onto my face as I hurry to the bedroom, making sure I dressed a bit heavy and grabbing my skates.

And putting my bottled prescription in my pocket.

 

...

 

“Are you _sure_ you’re ok with skating, Yuuri?”

“As a silver medalist, yes, I’m sure,” I reply, tying my skates just perfect.

I’ve got this. I can do this. Everything will be good.

The rink was quiet. It was after hours right now, and I know if Yakov heard of this, he’d most likely of our heads. Though Viktor rest assured that nothing will happen.

I doubt that.

Viktor watched, tying on his own skates after setting down our bags from shopping earlier. He made sure to stand before me, getting onto the eyes. I smile a bit, acknowledging his kindness. Viktor held out his hand for me as I approached the ice, which I accepted. I held onto his for the first moment, getting my bearings. It _has_ been a good month since I’ve been on the ice after all, and I really don’t feel like replacing my glasses now.

“Relax дорогой… you’re going to fast… we’ll both fall,” I blushed instantly, noticing that I was in fact moving quite fast, and practically dragging Viktor with me. He has a soft smile on though, and a chuckle rumbled in his chest, sending an electricity of warmth through me.

“Sorry… I just… missed this,”

“Me too, люблю,” I looked up at him with a bit of confusion. He practiced almost every day? He pressed himself onto me, his arms wrapped around my waist as we glided on the ice. “I missed holding you like this… Holding you on the ice… It makes me warm.”

“It’s like 5 degrees in here,”

He chuckles. “True, but the memories warm me. Yuuri, you have no idea how much happiness you’ve brought into my life- “

_No._

“-I love you with all my heart. -“

 _Don’t do this to me_.

“You’ve helped me with so much, and you don’t even know.”

_You’re making it all hurt even more…_

“And I- “

“Viktor,”

“Hm?”

“I love you too,”

_I’m a coward._

He holds me closer. “I know you do~”

“Don’t get cocky, you dork,”

_I’m going to hurt him. And it’ll kill me._

“I’m your dork though~ Forever~” He nuzzles my shoulder, saving me from hiding the tears.

“Yeah…”

_More than this already is._

“Think you’re ready to skate on your own? I want to show you my free skate~”

“The next tournament is in like, a year,”

“It’s never too early to start practicing Yuuri, you know that,” He pulled away and smiles down at me. I return the smile, letting him let go and move away from me. I watch from afar, moving on the ice a bit.

I hated it, this feeling. Acting like everything is ok, even though I know it isn’t. The guilt of knowing you’re hurting the one person you’ve come to love so dearly…

_A quadruple flip._

I should of thought of this earlier… I could have prevented this stage long ago. I could have saved him from mourning. I could have left with less people caring. I could’ve done better for those around me. I just everyone to smile, and laugh… with and without me. Is that too much to ask?

Maybe it was. After all we live in a world of conflict.

_A toe loop and… what was that move called again?_

I’ve always been an emotional person, even after trying to beat those infuriating down into the pit of my chest. There was no confidence, not a single bit of light to bring me back from my fate.

“Yuuri?”

No… I do have a light. But lights go out after a while, just like the old ones did.

“Yuuri, you’re pale… Maybe we should go back- “

But this is the last one… I must make it last if I can… I can’t give up on him just yet.

“Yuuri!”

There’s still so much I want to do… So much I want to say… So much I want to prove and accomplish.

“YUURI.”

My body collapsed onto the ice, a sharp pain spreading up my back at the impact. Viktor skid across the ice, dropping next to me. My eyes turned wide and watered heavily, as the truth hit me.

“Viktor… Call an ambulance.”

“What? Do you need water? What hurts- “

“I can’t feel my legs.” 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Stage 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emotions are hard to control.  
> And the truth is hard to bare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry that this took a while to get out! I've been away at Anime Expo and dealing with writers block.   
> This chapter isn't as long as the last one, but the next chapter will be... a bit heavier. I'm going to be working very hard on it.  
> Again, if you want to talk to me about this fic, then head to my tumblr (w0lf-pire) and ask away! It's also my art account and I plan on taking submissions.  
> Anyway, please enjoy!~

Unforgivable.

 

_“Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear” – C.S. Lewis_

* * *

 

An uneasy silence filled the hospital room. Emotions of anxiety and guilt becoming overwhelming.

“Viktor- “

“Be quiet,” Viktor silenced Yuuri, taking a deep shaking breath. “Just… Let me take it all in.” And Yuuri did. He watched as Viktor kept his head hung, fidgeting with the gold ring on his finger.

God, it was painful. The truth was painful. Both Yuuri and Viktor felt it. The only comfort they could give themselves were letting the tears fall. Why was crying so pleasurable? It didn’t bring anything good. You cry, the pain remains, you cry a bit more, and you repeat. A never-ending cycle of grief and deep sorrow.

And the never-ending questions fills your head:

_How can I stop it? How can I smile again? How can I make things better?_

But you don’t know. Does anyone?

Somethings are unavoidable.

“How long have you known, Yuuri...?”

“Since I was 18,”

“You never said anything…”

“You think I like talking about it?”

“Well I sure as hell thought maybe you had the decency to announce it to your lover,”

Yuuri paused, another stab of guilt hit hard.

“…I was going to retire…”

“And not tell anyone?”

“And not tell anyone.”

Viktor chucked dryly. “I see…” He raised his head. Red, swollen eyes staring into Yuuri’s mirrored ones.

“I’m sorry…”

It hurt Viktor, knowing Yuuri did everything alone. He always relied on anxiety and self-doubt, rather than encouragement and positivity. He didn’t know how rare he truly was. His beauty is one of a kind in Viktor’s eyes. He can see the fierce competitor deep inside Yuuri. Everyone did.

Everyone but Yuuri.

“Don’t be… You can’t control it,”

“I wish I could, and I know you do too.” Viktor couldn’t argue with that. He would rather rip out his hair and live bald than have Yuuri live the way he did. And that’s saying a lot.

“So… What is it exactly? “

“Friedreich's Ataxia…” Yuuri twisted the golden ring around his finger, tears falling heavily. “an autosomal recessive disease that causes progressive damage to the nervous system…”

“And because of it, it’s weakening the muscles in your legs…?” Yuuri nodded, much to Viktor’s horror. “You can’t skate anymore…”

“I can’t skate anymore…” Yuuri repeated, his voice breaking. Viktor hung his head, wrapping his arms around his lover, as his own body begins to shake. The sound of his Yuuri’s cries, broke him even more.

Crying did nothing to help.

 

* * *

 

 

Regret.

It filled Viktor to the very core. It beat him senselessly as he re-winded every memory, every little movement he could remember of Yuuri’s little hints. Every sign of the truth. It wasn’t fair. Yuuri deserves every bit of happiness the world had to offer.

Yuuri felt everything too deeply. It was almost as if the world was too much for him.

Viktor thought he could fix that.

He wanted to spoil Yuuri with gifts, love, memories…

He didn’t know he had a time limit.

Viktor watched Yuuri from across the room. Yuuri had finally been released from the hospital, after weeks of physical therapy and figuring out what prescription medical shall be given to him next. He rested on the couch with his phone in his hands.

“How do you do it?”

Yuuri looked up at him, blinking. “Hm? Do what?”

Viktor narrowed his eyes a bit. Yuuri continued to look at him with confusion, his head tilted slightly. A mask of innocence and disregard with reality.

And for once, Viktor hated that cute expression. He felt sick at the sight.

He stood from the counter stool, walking over to the couch as sitting down on the opposite side of the couch of Yuuri.

“How can you ignore It? How can you lie about it? To your friends and family? Your own parents don’t even know, from what I see,” Viktor took a deep breath as he noticed his rising voice. “How can Yuuri Katsuki be so selfish?” He inquired, meeting his darkened blue eyes with Yuuri’s nearly black ones.

He waited.

And waited.

But there was no response. Yuuri continued to stare. Never blinking. His expression was subdued and sluggish. He simply shrugged and stood, slowly standing and walking to the guest bedroom. He muttered a soft ‘Good Night’.

The door closed after.

Viktor wanted to scream.

 

* * *

 

 

“Eat.”

“I did,”

“A single slice of toast doesn’t count as a meal, Viktor.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be in bed?”

“I’m ok to be walking now,”

“Hm…”

Viktor only side glanced at Yuuri, looking away from his screen for a second, earning a despondent expression from him. Yuuri hated this. He hated all of this.

He hung his head and turned around, taking off the apron he wore and setting it nicely folded on the counter top.

“Well, it’s on the stove if you want it,” He looked back at Viktor one last time, watching him re-watch his free skate repeatedly, looking for any mistakes. Sighing, Yuuri returned to their room.

 

* * *

 

 

Understand. //Yuuri//

 

Viktor deserved none of this.

He was a star. Someone people looked up to. He would smile so brightly. He would talk with excitement and wonder when he saw something new. He was smart and always thought about the best way to approach someone with emotions. But in ways, he too is fragile. Whether if it’s talking about his hair, questioning his feeling, or trying to shoot down his pride… He has his weak spots too.

And I broke him.

With my secret miserable, unpleasant life style.

He deserved none of it.

He deserved love, and life. He deserved to be happy and healthy.

I collapsed onto the bed, curling on my side. The city was quiet like always. Shops starting to close, families starting to enjoy dinner together, some even going to bed… You could even here the giggling of a girl talking to her mother down the street.

Family… A happy family…

I took a deep, shaky breath, sitting up again. Looking to my left, I noticed the time said 8:33 PM. Viktor would normally ask to bathe any minute…

Ah… But things aren’t normal right now, are they? No, everything was broken.

I, Yuri Katsuki, have absolutely fucked up.

I can hear him often. The occasional hiccup of holding back a tear, to the shaky breath when I get close, and to the soft sob after hours…

I broke the happiest man on Earth.

Why…? Why me…? Why did I have to have this fate? Why did I have to suffer? No… Why did I have to make others around me suffer? Why did I have to lie?

Because I’m a selfish man. That’s why I lied. I-

“Yuuri?”

My heart stopped for a second. When did he come in…? I didn’t hear the door?

“Yes…?”

“Why are you crying?” I reached up, stroking my cheek lightly and sure enough, liquid dripped down my finger. And somehow that broke me.

And I cried.

I tried not to for so long. I always told myself that I wouldn’t cry if he knew. I would be the one holding Viktor when he cried.  But alas, I found myself in a pair of warm arms. An erratic heart beat pressed to the side of my head.

“Sshh, sshh… relax Yuuri, “ He cooed, rubbing my back. “It’s ok- “

 I ripped myself from his arms, frustration, fury, and bitter sadness filling my every core.

“It’s not fucking okay, Viktor! How is any of this ok?!” I shouted, tears streaming down my cheeks, but I could care less. He looked at me with wide eyes, opening his mouth to speak, but could get out a word before me. “I’m hurting, Viktor! I’m hurting an I’m scared! I’m hurting because I know I’m hurting you, and I’m scared I’m going to wake up every day now without getting to rest my eyes on your smiling face at least one last time. I’m hurting that I’m not laughing with you anymore. I’m scared to die without feeling the love we had before. I’m scared to even close my eyes, because I don’t want the worst to come tomorrow.” My breathing was turning erratic, I need to calm down. But I can’t. I bend down, my chest and face against the bed as I cry. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I lied to you. They told me things were getting better. And I believed that lie. I- “

“Yuuri- “

“I’m afraid that if I lose you, I will lose myself too,”

Yuuri!”

“You deserve better.”

I strong hand pushed me back against the bed, a shadow hovering over me. My lip quivered, and fresh hot tears formed over again, soaking the pillow beneath me. Viktor looked down at me, a look of rage and his own tears forming.

“Yuuri Katsuki-Nikiforov, it is taking every ounce of strength in my body to not _scream_ at you, you know that?” I notice he’s shaking, a few tears falling. “I’m scared too, understand? I’m _terrified_ , Yuuri. You don’t even have a clue of what you brought into my life. You opened a part of my heart that I hadn’t even known existed. Someone who cares for me, loves me, and saved me from bitter loneliness.” Viktor leans down, gently resting his head on my chest. “You’re the star to my world, believe it or not, Yuuri. And I’m actually glad you’re yelling at me.”

“You’re glad…? Why…?” He looks up at me.”

“You always do this. You always lock yourself away. Yuuri, I’m begging you to stop closing away and discounting your feelings. You have a right to feel emotions, whether if they’re positive or not. They may not always make sense, but it’s best to try and talk about them. Shove away the voices and people in your head who try to push you into silence. You’ve worked so hard all your life to prove people wrong… I know you have. Yuuko and Mari have told me the stories. And that bravery and fierce attitude has me smitten all over again.” He smiles sadly, finally laying down, and resting his chin on my chest. I slowly reach down, swiping away the left-over tear stains on his rosy cheeks. “I just which you would show it more…”

“It’s hard… but I can try… Only if you try too,”

“Hm?” He tilts his head a bit in a cute factor, and it almost made me smile. Almost.

“You’re really shit with your emotions at times… I never know what you’re feeling or thinking… I know it’s not the most comfortable thing in the world. You’re used to cameras still,” I run my fingers through his hair for a moment, pausing. I give him a small smile. “I love you, Viktor. I truly do. So please… Trust me and talk to me.”

Viktor watched me in silence, as if he’s have an internal conflict.

“If you don’t want to, Viktor then- “

“I had a dream last night.” He cut in. “We got another poodle… A miniature poodle. And we named him Viktuuri.”

“We named him our ship name.”

“It’s a beautiful name,”

“How?”

“It means love,”

I blush a bit, earning a soft chuckle from Viktor. He rolls up over, therefore I’m lying on top of him, my face stuffed in the curve of his neck.

“I’ve missed you, Viktor…”

“I’m sorry, моя любовь. As you’ve said, I’m absolute shit with my emotions…” My body pillow raised as he sighed. “But an eye for an eye, yes? For now, let’s be honest with each other.”

“Let’s do that…”

We paused for a moment. A dip was felt beside us, signaling Makkachin’s presence.

“But for real, can we get another poodle?” I roll my eyes and giggle.

“I’ll think about it for now, Viktor… Have you eaten yet?”

“It doesn’t feel right eating without you, Yuuri…”

“Well, it must be cold by now, so let’s order something instead,”

“Katsudon?”

“Hell yeah,” I grin and sit up, unwrapping my legs from his waist and shifting to the end of the bed. He stands and looks down at me.

“I want to carry you, if you don’t mind…” I watch his gaze crawling over my legs. I smile softly, raising my arms.

“If that’s what you’d like, then sure,” Viktor nods and leans down, lifting me effortlessly in his arms, making me sneer.

“So that’s what you were doing at night…”

“Hm?”

“I knew you looked buffer,” A smirked forced its way onto my face as his face flushed. Got ‘em.

“Shush, моя любовь…” I roll my eyes again, leaning up to kiss his cheek. However, I was met with a familiar pair of lips against mine, pulling away faster than I can blink. He was now grinning from ear to ear, while I was sure a shade of cherry was across mine.

This cheeky, handsome man was my fiancé.

My lovely, caring husband-to-be.

I rest my head on his shoulder, relaxing as he walked.

 

 

I will make this last.

I promise.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!~

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment your thoughts!  
> I'll also be having my tumblr art account open for questions, your thoughts, and your comments; even headcanons if you'd like.  
> Cause this fic gets even darker, let me tell you.  
> Tumblr: w0lf-pire


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